After a long time.....

Good lord!

Where have I been all these months?

I have not written since July!

Nothing to write about ......nothing to report ......nothing to smile at!
All this inspite of the fact that a lot has been really happening.

Too much in fact!

Not in the physical world, in case you start imagining that I have been doing 'xyz' and 'abc' and 'lmn' all at once. But on the mental plane. Everyday has been a constant struggle. Fighting uncertainties and fears and taking hard decisions which destiny with one flick of her fingers can easily change.

Adversity suits some writers. They become more eloquent. I have realized that I am a writer of good times. I can see comic situations in regular day to day events. I cannot write when I am mentally not at peace.
Well, I guess, that explains my long silence.

The reason behind it, I suppose, is my continual denial of the unpleasant. Things have to be pleasant or else they do not exist. Often I try to wish unpleasant things away instead of facing them boldly.
I am a coward, aren't I?
But I have never made any tall claims of being brave.
Yes, I look at the world through rose-tinted glasses and I want my bed to be made up
of roses. If there are thorns, I try to wish them away.
Not very wise, I agree. But effective most of the times.

But there are times when certain things can't be just wished away. I have been going through those times. I need to do something about it. But I don't know what to do.
It only adds to the burden of appearing fine in front of the world.

No!
I don't need advice and I am not even asking for it. Not because I think that I can handle everything on my own. I am far from that. But it's because, no one can see my perspective from where they are standing. You have to stand in my shoes first to see my point of view. And it's not only that!
You also have to feel the way I do! What is important to me might be quite trivial to you.
It's just a question of perception.

Aah! Perception!
It comes to my rescue every time.

Why do I have to see 10 questions where others can see only two?
And why do I have to feel everything so deeply when I can easily shrug my shoulders indifferently and say..."whatever"?

Thinking on paper is much better than thinking in the mind :)
Writing does give structure to thought.
So, now I have a list of structured questions in place a bunch of unstructured thoughts.
I hope that helps.

All I can try to do now is perceive things differently.
Who knows, they might not be as difficult as they seem right now.

Car(ried) away

Two years ago, we had a very smooth routine in the mornings. I admit, the rest of the day was always crazy.... But the mornings were smooth apart from the regular shouting and the mad rush to step out of the house on time.

It was like this....
-Prepare breakfast and set it on the table.
-Prepare lunch.
-Stuff it in everyones' tiffin boxes.
-Push the elder one out of the bed and shove him out of the house with his school bag so that he catches his school bus.
-Wake up the husband.
-Get dressed for work.
-Wake up the younger one and get her ready for school.
-Sit in car with husband and little one.
-Drop little one to school.
-Get dropped to work.
-Husband drives away to office.

Perfect! Isn't it?
Well, it was a perfect day as usual, when chaos reigned supreme and the brain was working overtime listing out the things to do throughout the day.

After winning the first battle of dispatching my son off to school on time, we sat in the car, ready to deposit our daughter to her school.

The little lane outside the school gate was jammed with vehicles, as usual.
Cars and scooters of various shapes were trying to find a way to escape. Weeping toddlers, annoyed drivers and distraught mothers completed the scenario.
Yes! All was fine in the world.

Suddenly, we found ourselves face to face with another car coming from the opposite direction. With vehicles parked on both sides of the road, there was only enough space for one car to pass. And the situation was similar to that in the story of two goats on a bridge. Unfortunately, there wasn't even space to back off. There were 2 or 3 cars lined up behind on both the sides!

I decided to walk to the school gate with my daughter instead of waiting for the jam to clear.
My husband agreed that it was a wise thing to do. And I got off leaving him to figure out how to get out of the mess.
If only the car had wings!
But wishes are not horses .......and cars cannot fly...

I handed over my little one to her teacher and returned to the place where our car was stuck.
Oh God!! It was still there. We were going to need a crane to lift it out of here. Never mind, someone will have the sense to back off and ease the jam.
I hastily opened the door and jumped in. The seat cover felt a bit strange.
So what?
It has every right to feel strange!
But what was little teddy bear doing .........dangling ridiculously from the rear view mirror?

I turned to my husband to criticize his taste in teddy bears...........and ..............my eyes nearly popped out!

Well, I admit I have prayed often enough that my husband would change for the better, but never in my life had I imagined that he would change altogether!!!!!

I stared incredulously at him wondering how this had happened when I was brought back to my senses by a series of rude honks.

There! How typically like him to disturb me when I was trying to solve an interesting mystery!
But what was he doing over there....in another car?

Goodness gracious!
I was sitting in the wrong car, was I?
I quickly muttered sorry and almost fell down in my hurry to get out of the car. The man was too shocked for words. I ran towards our car and clambered inside, not even looking at my husband.

Then mustering courage, I tried to explain, " That car looks just like ours, doesn't it?"
"It's not even the same model" he replied.

Oops!

We reached my destination in total silence.
I got out of the car and shut the door... Too softly.....
I opened it once again and shut it more firmly this time. Then looked in through the window to say goodbye.
There was a strange smile on my husband's face.

"For a moment I thought, my dream had come true."  he said with a wink and zipped away......

Happy Valentine's Day

I do not want the sun,

It is too bright.

I'd rather have the moon,

And it's gentle light.

And a fistful of stars,

What do you say?

And I can be,

Your valentine today.

 Let's watch the sunset,

 By the sea.

And have dinner on the terrace...

Just you and me!

A glass of wine,

And a long stemmed rose.

It will be so sweet,

If you could get me those.

At half past eight?

Yes, I'll be there.

Just remember to bring my....

Solitaire ;)

One night

There was some kind of war going on. I am not sure if it can be called a war.... maybe riots. But there was agitation and unrest all around.

I was stranded in a dark building with a wooden door and many windows. The door and all the windows were tightly shut. All the people had crowded into the hall on the ground floor as if they were getting courage from each other’s presence. There was no furniture and the people were either lying down or sitting or peeping anxiously through cracks in the door frame. Someone was trying to squint through a crack in a window to see what was happening outside.

There was a staircase to the left of the front door. I wonder what lying was at the top of the staircase. No! I did not want to find out. Not that I was feeling scared, but there was more comfort here.

A few hundred metres down the road Lata didi was stranded in another building. Who was she? Was she someone I knew? Why did I feel that I knew her very well? How did I know her name? She also had some familiar faces with her. Though I was not with my her, I could almost see what was happening there as if I was inside. I wonder how? ESP? Maybe….

In fact, that place was not as dark, but it was untidy. There were a lot of cubicles with beds. All the beds had mattresses with bedsheets on them.... all of them crumpled as if they had been slept in recently. The people were eating something from huge bowls, probably hot khichadi or soup. And they were having 3-4 such meals in a day, while we had nothing to eat!

Then I realized that we did not have a kitchen! I decided to go across the street and get some food from their kitchen. As I was getting ready to step out of the building, I could sense the tension and fear in the air. The road was deserted. Something was wrong... gravely wrong.

Just as I stepped out, someone pulled me back in!

“Don’t go. Its not safe.” he said.

“We need food. I will get it from Lata didi. She has plenty.” I replied.

Suddenly, a car went down the road at full speed. Rowdy people were shouting and hooting in the car... Insane driving! Fast and rash.

After some time, a few people went by on horseback carrying swords and shouting in the same way. It looked dangerous. And yet, I was not scared.

Finally, little Astha could bear it no longer. She went out, crossed the road and started running towards the other building. Just then another car zipped by on the road. One of the men in the car slashed Astha with his sword, injuring her arm badly. She returned bleeding profusely.

Just then, a procession of cars started going past. They were the same loud, rash, cruel people....merrily shouting and enjoying themselves. Some of them were walking. This time their leader was also with them. I thought it was a good opportunity to go to the other building unnoticed  in the crowd. I started walking quietly, trying to be invisible. But the leader saw me. He got down from the car and came to talk with me.

Surprisingly, again, I was not scared. Even more surprising was that he did not try to harm me. He was in fact very polite and …….. even good looking, like an actor. Then I noticed that all those people were good looking! 

What was going on? I did not know.... Did not understand.

There I was, among a sea of people, yet alone.

 Among familiar surroundings, and yet lost.

In a hostile situation, yet unafraid.

 Surrounded by danger and yet safe.

"How are you?", he asked with a gentle smile.

"I am fine." I replied, wondering whether I should have told him that we had nothing to eat. But no….. ‘I am fine’ is what I said and walked away.

I went back inside and started climbing the staircase near the door. It was a long narrow one with two landings.

Oh! There was a terrace on top. It was as if I had entered another world in a different time zone.

 The twilight was beautiful ....mesmerizing!

There were kites flying in the clear sky. Dainty little ladies in sarees were drying clothes on the line tied across the terrace. The breeze... Oh, so gentle.

 I felt light, almost as if I was floating.

I spent a long time looking at the sky. When I turned around, I saw the same man standing behind me.... Still smiling.... As if he found me amusing.

"You like it here, don't you?" He asked me. I stared at him, totally fascinated by the gentle features and soft eyes.

 How could this person be leading a riot or war?

Was it really a war that was happening on the streets? Or was it just my perception?

I wanted to think more and find the answers but I sank deeper and deeper into unconsciousness....into blissful sleep that erases all questions.

As I woke up in the morning, I still found myself walking precariously on the thin line between the two worlds of dream and reality.

I am not sure which of them is actually a dream.

"I dream when I am awake and live in my dreams.

I don't know anyone stranger than me."

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To be free.....

If God ever granted me wishes three,
I would say I want to be,
Free! Free! Free!

Free from the present,
Free from the past.
Free forever....
Free at last....

Free from the sword,
That hangs on my crown.
Free from everything,
That holds me down.

Free to accept,
And free to deny.
Free to be true,
And free to lie.

Free to be foolish...
Or free to be wise...
Free to fall,
And free to rise...

Free to wander,
And free to explore.
Free to fly,
And free to soar!

How I value my freedom,
Of all the things.
Oh God in the heaven,
Please grant me wings.

Adding spice to life......

Agreed!
Some of the best surgeons, scientists, engineers, business persons, carpenters, tailors and criminals are men.
Even some of the best chefs in this world happen to be men.
But I sincerely believe that some men should not cook.... And in particular.... one man, who incidentally happens to be my "Lord and Master".

Not that he does or even attempts to cook.
But there was a day in my life when he did.

I was in the first trimester of pregnancy with my second child....... throwing up at every sight, sound, smell and thought of food!
That was when my dear husband was overcome with love for me.
He told me to relax in the bedroom while he fixed a meal for the three of us...... me, our 5 year old son and himself.
 My little son volunteered to help his dad. His main job was to hunt for the vessels and spatulas and bring them to me and ask whether it is alright to cook with those. Once the right vessels were selected and approved by me, the actual cooking started.

I relaxed on the bed for about an hour, valiantly fighting off all the mental images of a bombed kitchen.
Finally, I could not bear it any longer and asked the two chefs if I could come out.
"Only a minute, mamma!" shouted the junior chef.
Five minutes later, he escorted me grandly to the dining table.

The table was laid out properly, with 3 plates, 3 glasses and 3 spoons.
There was rice in one serving bowl, thoughtfully covered to keep the steam in. The jug was filled with water. And there was a stack of paper napkins at the centre of the table.
They had even laid out the place mats! Beautiful!!

I fearfully looked at the kitchen counter, sternly telling myself not to react.
Spotless!!.... Amazing!!

I was touched. How thoughtful and considerate! I was totally overwhelmed.
Very few women can boast of a husband who would do all this for them.
(Okay! To be honest, I know a few.... but that does not matter)
I settled down in my chair and within a few seconds the dish of the day arrived!
Chhole!

"That's great!" I said. "Chhole and rice are my favourite." I told the beaming father-son duo.
As I was their guest, I was asked to do the honours. I put a spoonful of the chick peas in my mouth......... and............ the entire world turned red!!
I allowed them to spill back into the plate unceremoniously and rushed to the sink to rinse my mouth when I heard sputtering and coughing. I did not turn around till I had finished.

"You left without a word, so I tried to find out what was wrong with the gravy!" said my husband between huge gulps of water. I quickly gave a bowl of curd and rice to my son and sent him to the drawing room. I did not want him to play investigator too.

"What did you do?" I asked my husband as soon as I could put my tongue back into my mouth. It was hanging out in the most ridiculous way.
"I just cooked chhole for you." he said.
"How?"
"I put one tin of the chick peas, one mug of water and one box of garam masala in the vessel and boiled everything for 30 minutes"
"What? The whole box!"
"Yes," he said tragically, lifting the lid of the dustbin to show me the empty box lying inside.
No wonder my mouth felt like a volcano!!!

What an utter waste of effort! I tried to save the day by washing the chick peas with water. But the spices had penetrated the skin and attached themselves firmly to each and every molecule inside.

Finally, both of us took our bowls of curd-rice and joined our son on the sofa.
The rice was delicious!
And the chhole ........?
 I guess that's what they mean when they say, "Adding spice to your life"

Dear Teacher,

                                  

When I was a young, little child,

You were always walking by my side.

Teaching me to jump and run and fly,

And move around with giant strides.

When my curious eyes were learning to see,

YOU gave them the vision.

And as I grew up, I learnt to think,

But YOU taught me how to reason.

I always did what you told me to.

And I did it because I loved you.

For me you were the best, you know!

And I would tell everyone, "My teacher says so..."

There were also times when I was bad.

I did not know why it made you sad.

But you were there to pull me through,
Ever so loving, ever so true.

And now that I am a teacher too,

I understand why it bothered you.

When students falter and make mistakes,

Its the teacher's heart which actually breaks.

The journey of life is tough indeed!

And its your blessings which I'll always need.

Your blessings are my only reward.

Because for me, you are next to God.